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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27592615">the carcass of a beauty spent and done</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/stfumarklee/pseuds/stfumarklee'>stfumarklee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Gen, Guilty Merlin, Post-Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Unrequited Love, VERY sad ending, i was crying the entire time while writing it idk, idk why i did this, im a terrible person, im sorry, just 2.9k words of pure agony, many deaths happen, merlin deserved better, merlin suffers a LOT, no beta because we die like men, this is just a story of merlin's grief and suffering after arthur's death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:42:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,914</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27592615</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/stfumarklee/pseuds/stfumarklee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Nothing could ever make him stop loving Arthur. Because a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the title is from Shakespeare's "A Lover's Complaint".</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the carcass of a beauty spent and done</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>i’ve seen how much he needs you,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>how much you need him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>you’re like two sides of the same coin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
  <b>Hunith</b>
  <span> (S1E10)</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had failed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To him, Albion wasn’t just a land of peace, unity, and tranquility. To him, Albion was a land that he and Arthur would build together. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Together</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That word seemed incredibly stupid now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What was he to do now? He couldn’t stay in Camelot, however tempting the offer of being court sorcerer given to him by Gwen was. He couldn’t walk into the courtroom every day and see all eyes on him. He couldn’t take the pressure of being a failure in front of everyone he’s ever loved. How was he to face them knowing that he had </span>
  <em>
    <span>one</span>
  </em>
  <span> job, keeping Arthur safe, and he had failed?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What good was being the </span>
  <em>
    <span>most powerful sorcerer to ever walk this earth</span>
  </em>
  <span> if he couldn’t even save the one person his </span>
  <em>
    <span>destiny</span>
  </em>
  <span> had charged him with saving?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What good was being the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk this earth if he couldn’t even save the one person he loved more than anyone?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone told him that it wasn’t his fault. Then whose was it? It wasn’t Mordred’s, it’s what he was destined to do. It wasn’t Morgana’s because he was himself responsible for what she became. Who was he to blame except himself? Every single wrong decision he made, now haunted his sleepless nights.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What if he had let Arthur return Magic to Camelot that day? What if he had killed Mordred when he had the chance or had left him to die when Kilgharrah had told him to do so? What if he had told Morgana that he had magic and had helped her cope with it, made her a better person? What if instead of helping the other knights he had immediately gone to help Arthur? What if he had called Kilgharrah earlier and gotten to the Lake of Avalon faster? There were way too many ‘what if’s for him to consider as his own mistakes. There was no one he blamed for Arthur but himself. How could he?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But what he regretted the most was never telling Arthur about how he felt. Somewhere along the line, the utmost devotion he held for his king became more than just the weight of his destiny or the duty of a servant. He protected Arthur because he wanted to. Because he didn’t know what he would do, had any harm befallen him. He protected Arthur because he had grown to fall in love with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew that nothing could ever come out of his feelings, ever. But Arthur never even had the opportunity to find out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now Merlin had to live, knowing that he was the reason Arthur died. He failed more than just his destiny. He failed his love, he failed his queen, and he failed his kingdom. He failed every child whose feet graced the lower town and failed every sword that swore to fight till the end for the love of Camelot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the love of Camelot was none but Arthur, he had stolen the kingdom's heart. He couldn’t stay here anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?”, Gaius questioned as he walked in on Merlin throwing things from one end of his room to another.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What does it look like I’m doing?”, Merlin replied, putting something in his bag, trying to hide it from Gaius’s eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It looks like you’re packing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, there you go then.”, Merlin shrugged at the court physician.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t leave Merlin, there IS no Albion without you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s no Albion without Arthur either, but he left, didn’t he? I’m leaving too, I’m sure that you and Gwen can handle it here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gaius knew that Merlin won’t change his mind, nothing could make him. So he decided to help him however he could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I won’t stop you. But where will you go? How will you live? What do you intend to do now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right now, I’m going back to Ealdor, to my mother. I will spend a few weeks with her, but after that, only time will tell. I just know one thing, I can’t remain in Camelot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But this is your home, Merlin. Camelot is your home.”, Gaius sat down beside Merlin, who was folding the few clothes he had.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Camelot is not my home, Gaius. Arthur is- </span>
  <em>
    <span>was. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Arthur </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>my home. And remaining here only reminds me of how I failed to protect my home. About how incredibly incompetent I am.” Merlin had tears running down his face but not so much as a single emotion was readable through his expression or audible from his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gaius thought it was best he left him alone. Soon, Merlin was done packing. After that, he headed over to his queen, trying to think of some sort of excuse to tell her. He couldn’t admit his feelings to Gwen, it felt like a betrayal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So instead, he let his gestures do the talking and didn’t say much, except for his constant stream of apologies. He tried to give Gwen the royal sigil Arthur had given him. He didn’t want to. Why would he ever? It was the only remaining proof of the fact that Arthur cared for Merlin. But he was just a servant, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>failed</span>
  </em>
  <span> servant. He couldn’t keep a </span>
  <em>
    <span>royal</span>
  </em>
  <span> sigil.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gwen refused at first, but she finally agreed to take it after a while. But she took Merlin's hand in her own, placing the royal seal upon it. Merlin started shaking his head but Gwen wouldn’t listen to any reasoning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Before he was the King of Camelot, before he was my husband, Arthur was </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>friend. I’m sure you know that there is no one he trusted more than you, no one he cared for, more than you. If I am to take this sigil, which he gave to you, you will take this royal seal, which he gave to me. I assume that you’ll like this more since you’ve spent more than a decade polishing it. I don’t want you to leave, Merlin, but you do as you must. You cared for him the most out of us all, and I fear his death has taken more out of you than anyone else. I wish that from now on only happiness enters your life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Gwen. I’m going to miss all in Camelot, most of all, you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I you. Also, you need not hide it from me, Merlin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hide what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You forget that we’ve been friends since your very first day here in Camelot. Merlin, no one loved him as you did. And he was lucky to have you in his life.”, Gwen kissed his hand, looking up at him with utter adoration. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Merlin smiled at her and headed towards the doors. He waved a quick goodbye and started his journey towards the warmth only his mother’s presence could grant him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he gazed upon the walls and turrets of Camelot one last time, he slipped the royal seal onto his finger. It fit perfectly. His eyes glistened with tears one last time, and he left his sorrows in the city he had called home for as long as he could remember.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After finding out about the true extent of his powers in the crystal cave, he knew more about himself. There was much he was yet to discover but what he already knew was more than enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The journey to Ealdor was more or less uneventful and slow. He met quite a few bandits and had to deal with many wild animals. He didn’t kill anyone, just left them sleeping long enough for him to be out of sight. He won’t kill anyone. He had sworn off violence after Arthur. On lonely nights, he’d summon Aithusa for company, all the while trying to help her with her wounds. His magic may have been strong, but he lacked direction. It was as Kilgharrah said, that it’s not that he couldn’t, he just didn’t know how. Seeing her flinch as she landed next to him, he decided not to call her again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt so alone, so empty. It was as if he had no cause to live anymore. But he did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When the need of Albion is greatest, Arthur shall rise again, for he is the once and future king.”, Kilgharrah’s words echoed in his mind. This is the only reason he still lived. He had to be ready for his king’s return, however long it took. Not like age was a problem anymore, immortality was one of the gifts the crystal cave gave him. Though it felt more like a curse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Perhaps that was the true beauty of existence itself. There is no object, no emotion on this earth that cannot be used for evil. It all is both good and bad. But it is how one decides to use that which he owns, that makes it evil or pure. All gifts are but curses in disguise. All evil is but misguided purity. Life is neutral. Which is why it gives us a choice. Kilgharrah once said, “There is no right or wrong, only what is and what isn’t-”. But he was only half right. Life may just be what is and what isn’t, but the power to make it right or wrong rests in our hands. Fate may have destined how we start our lives and how they end, but only we can decide how we live the part in between. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That </span>
  </em>
  <span>is the true gift of life. And the true curse of nature.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Merlin inhaled the familiar scent of safety as he stepped into the small village. He tied his horse in the little stable and headed to the only place he had known as home other than Arthur. Nostalgia hit him harder than he could handle, so he was already in tears when he knocked at the door. His mother engulfed into a warm embrace as soon as she realized that it was her son in front of her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the first time since he cremated his king at the lake of Avalon, he cried. His feet gave way underneath him, so he slumped down onto the floor, dragging Hunith with him. He cried for hours, sobbed into his mother’s neck while she whispered positive affirmations into his ear. He kept shaking his head and muttering something along the lines of “It’s all my fault” over and over again. Till he fell asleep in his mother’s arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my sweet innocent boy, how am I to help you?”, she murmured to herself as she carried his feather-light body to the bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soon, it was time for him to leave Ealdor too. From then on Merlin lived the life of a wanderer. From town to town, kingdom to kingdom, he served the people the best he could. He helped their crops with the magic he borrowed from the barren earth, he treated their illnesses to the best of his abilities. But every year, on the anniversary of Arthur’s coronation, he headed back to Camelot, where he rested upon the lake’s shore, waiting for his king to walk out of there, looking as elegant as he always did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he never did. In the while, he saw Leon get married to Gwen, he saw Leon sit on the throne that belonged to his king. He resented Gwen for letting someone other than Arthur sit on that throne, but it’s not like he could do anything about it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Some time past winter, he was traveling through Odin’s kingdom when he felt a jolt of pain shoot through his heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!”, he exclaimed, grief-stricken, as he fell to the ground. Gathering what strength he could, he used his magic to teleport back to Camelot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had 3 knights holding him back and a Gwen trying to calm him down, but he was inconsolable. He tried to use his magic, tried to give his life to Gaius. But Leon wouldn’t let him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why?”, he yelled at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s the only person who knew me for who I was from the very beginning, why aren’t you letting me save him? I have nothing to live for!”, He screamed, turning to Gwen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because he told us not to let you do something like that. He was well past his eighties, Merlin. He died a natural death. The balance of nature would be shaken, even if you gave life in return. He left in peace, in happiness.”, Gwen said, softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please- </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I can’t see him die like this. I can’t. I’ve lost too much. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Please, let me do this. I left him. It’s all my fault, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> my fault.”, he cried, begging on his knees.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Leave us.”, Gwen said to the knights who left her the three of them alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Merlin’s tears started to fly, glowing bright. They flew towards where Gaius’s body lay, falling like rain where his heart was supposed to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Much to the couple’s surprise, Gaius’s body started to evaporate into tiny droplets, which then clumped together in the form of a yellow rose. It floated back onto the place where his body rested merely seconds ago. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have a request, my queen.”, he said, looking up at Gwen’s face with his tear-stained face and clear intentions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anything, Merlin.”, she replied almost immediately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“His chambers are to remain his chambers for as long as Camelot exists. No one will ever step foot in here except to visit his remains or clean the place. And, this rose, formed from his soul and the magic of existence itself, shall be guarded with one’s life. A soul </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> dies, so this rose will never die either. But if any harm comes to it, Gaius’s soul would be left wandering the darkness for all of eternity.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I give you my word, Merlin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He headed back to Ealdor now. After Gaius, he wasn’t going to risk the same thing happening to his mother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And thus he spent a good 8 years under the shade of his mother’s love, until she died of old age, just like Gaius. He cried, but not as much as he did after Arthur and Gaius. Maybe because this was the only relationship he had that wasn’t riddled with secrets and unspoken words. He wanted to make her into an eternal rose just like Gaius, but unfortunately, magic </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> strong could only be conjured once. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Giving the gift of immortality to any creature, big or small, wasn’t as easy as it seemed. He had to draw from his own immortality, which left him unable to use magic for months. Like it was said before, his immortality was as much of a curse, as it was a gift.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t give his mother the funeral he had wanted to give her, so he decided to give her one better. Once again, he found himself on the shore of the lake of Avalon, carrying the dead body of a loved one. Once again, he set the body on a boat loaded with dry wood and sent it out towards the center stone. Once again, and for the last time, he mumbled a spell, lighting the boat on fire. And he sat there, watching as it slowly sunk into the magical waters. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>APPROX. 1300 YEARS LATER</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Merlin sat on the shore of what used to be the beautiful and magical lake of Avalon, and watched the center stone, as it stood tall with no water to surround it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had suffered more than Arthur could ever imagine, waiting for him to return someday. Lost more than a hundred people he loved to time, fought in wars, treated during epidemics, and more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, on some 1323rd anniversary of his king’s coronation (he stopped counting about 3 centuries ago), he sat on the shore of a lake that no longer existed. Over the years, he had watched the lake of some of the strongest magic on earth evaporate. Now it was nothing but a grassland with a long stone atop the hill in the middle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No lake of Avalon meant no Freya, no Lancelot, no Hunith, and the most terrible of all, no Arthur. He knew Kilgharrah lied to him a lot, but he had never thought that he would lie about this. He had lost all hope, and he didn’t wish to have any either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this day, he didn’t blame himself anymore. He didn’t hate himself anymore, for he realized the true identity of the one responsible for everything. He hated Arthur with his everything, for everything he had done to him. For treating him the way he did, for being the very reason he ever even took birth, for every lie he believed, and for making him wait for an entire fucking millennia. He hated Arthur with every last fiber of his soul.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Today he went back to the crystal cave and gave it back the magic it had lent him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he felt himself disintegrate into nothing, he smiled weakly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d always been an amazing liar.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nothing could ever make him stop loving Arthur. Because a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Arthur, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”, he whispered his last words into a crystal, having already enchanted it to make its way to Arthur, should he ever come back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>im so fucking sorry for this T_T</p></blockquote></div></div>
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